Country roads and top dogs
Can somebody please lead the way here?
I’ve been driving a lot recently with my tennis ball yellow electric car, hopping around Germany on my book tour, desperately looking for charging stations, listening to the entire library of podcasts which exists.
One day, I was driving down a country road, cars in front of me, cars behind me, when it so happened that I had to stop at a red light as the first car in line. It was a lengthy red light and the cars in front of me had disappeared into the horizon. When the red light jumped to green and I stepped on the gas pedal of my ridiculous (and adorable) toy car I suddenly got really nervous. Out of nowhere, I had become the one leading the pack. And in that moment, I completely forgot how to drive. Should I have stuck to the speed limit like an old German grandma? Should I have gone a few miles faster than was allowed and show everyone what an adventurous person I was? Was I supposed to fly through orange lights like they don’t exist and pass the tractors on the sidelines? There were so many questions and so many ways to lead that for a split second I got overwhelmed with all the power and freedom at my disposal.
It made me think of the number ones in tennis. How lonely and overwhelming it must feel to have nobody in front of you who you can rub up against. Metaphorically speaking, of course, let’s not be creepy for at least a day here. When I was number 9, all I saw were the 8 women in front of me. I was hunting them, chasing them, trying to catch up. They were the north stars I positioned my old-timey sailboat after to keep directions in check. I never reached my goal of being number one myself but driving down that country road, I realised maybe it was for the better. If I felt overwhelmed on a country road driving a yellow car (why did it have to be so damn conspicuous?), how could I have possibly done it as a tennis player? Something I was so much better at than driving.
And I can’t be the only one feeling that way. So many world number ones came and went, hovering in that position for a breath and a half, before returning into safer waters where others lead the way. The biggest difference I see between players who stay at number one and those who don’t is that the players who remain have the unique gift to change and improve when on top.
It’s common psychology, really, why would you change something when things are going well? When I was winning, I would try to replicate the exact same training patterns, the ways that lead me to win, over and over again. I would eat the same foods and do the same exercises. Only ever when things went awry was I able to change. Loss to me was an indication that things needed altering. Victory, on the other hand, was a sign that all was good in the world, just continue on.
I do think that women are more prone to this thinking in general. And that has nothing to do with WE WERE BORN THIS WAY, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS AND MEN ARE FROM MARS. No, none of it. Countless studies have shown that there is a significant safety gap between men and women. Women not only report feeling unsafe in bigger numbers than men, they actually are in more danger of harm in social settings and the outside world (sometimes even in the privacy of their home). It is also reported that women are more likely to have a zero-sum mindset. In a zero-sum game what somebody else has or achieves directly diminishes your own accomplishments. Because there are fewer women in leading positions it can sometimes feel for women like another’s success directly affects their own in a negative way.
Whether that has gotten better or not (I think it has), the mindset alone will be different if you are socialised to be on alert. Maybe, women are more prone to protect what they have when they have a good thing going and are less willing to change and risk losing it all over again. When your goal is to protect, your action is to defend. When your goal is to grow, your ability for transformation and change comes more naturally.
Maybe, it has nothing to do with women. Maybe, it’s just human nature.
Either way, the world number ones in tennis who navigate those country roads alone, no north star above, no brake lights ahead, loss of orientation waiting at every corner, are doing a tremendous job. They lead fearlessly (for the most part) and even more importantly, they give all the other players behind them something to strive for. They are the orientation. Basically, they are Google Maps. And we all desperately need Google Maps in our lives.
Eventually, one of the suckers behind me sped past and broke all the speed limits known to man and I was mad. I was just getting used to being top dog. Some would say, I developed a taste for it.
Things that make me happy:
Speaking of taste. Two days ago, I was at a reading in Luxemburg and afterwards the organisers took me to the most marvellous dinner experience I had in awhile. Oysters, l’escalope de veau in mushroom sauce, mousse au chocolat. They just kept outdoing themselves dish after dish. The setting is beautiful with the waiters dressed in crisp white shirts and GREAT lighting where you can actually see what you’re eating and little to no music so you can actually hear what you’re saying. I’ve grown annoyed with these dimly-lit, hip, loud restaurants. I get it, I’m over 30 and the wrinkles around my eyes don’t disappear as easily any longer but I’m not spending 30 minutes a day on my skincare routine so that nobody can see me in a restaurant. Brasserie Guillaume, thank you for your service and I will be back next week and I WILL bring friends.
Things that make me unhappy:
It can only be one thing this week: Rafael Nadal announcing his retirement. I will write an in-depth Rafa newsletter soon but let’s enjoy the last month we have with Rafael Nadal as still an active tennis player. Please respect my privacy in this difficult time of mourning.
I hope this finds you well and pumpkiny and leafy, maybe even a little fall melancholy gripping your heart. This too shall pass.
Yours truly, Andrea
The discussion between you and Guy Helminger in Luxembourg was really inspiring and offered exciting insights. It was a pity that there was no time for questions from the audience, as this would (perhaps) have enriched the discussion further.
By the way, Charles Munchen, the founder of Brasserie Guillaume, achieved something remarkable that few had managed at the time (in Luxembourg): he brought together people from vastly different social backgrounds. It was revolutionary for the era – bankers, artists, homosexuals, and heterosexuals all mingled and celebrated together in a way that was unprecedented. His venues became melting pots of diversity, breaking down social barriers and creating a vibrant, inclusive atmosphere that was ahead of its time.
Ok if you brought up the subject, skincare routine article when? 💆🏻♀️