Dating a tennis player - trials and tribulations

There is no love in tennis

They say, there is no love in tennis. Who is they? Tennis people. It’s a wordplay on the fact that having zero points in a game is announced as “LOVE” by the chair umpire (imagine the chair umpire mocking you every time you manage to heroically win zero points in a game - awkward).

There is some truth to it.

It’s not easy dating a tennis player. They travel up to forty weeks a year, they are self-absorbed, they will blame every loss on a text message you sent or the way you breathed in the player’s box or just in general: on your existence. Is it still worth it?

No.

But let’s not start this newsletter in complete negativity. There are upsides, too. It just takes a while to find them.

We see more and more tennis players dating each other. Elina and Gael. Paula and Stefanos. Katie and Alex. Katerina and Tomas. It’s understandable. You can go through the motions of getting to know each other without having to explain your lifestyle at all times. Remember, your lifestyle is not your personality (even though some people think it is). You mostly travel to the same places and it even saves costs because you can share physiotherapists and hotel rooms. Marriages have been made to last on less. Yet, it has its challenges, too. One of my friends told me the hardest thing about dating another tennis player is losing a match on the same day the other one has won. As the one bearing the loss you don’t want to take the joy away from the one who has won. And as the one bathing in triumph you don’t want to rub the euphoria of winning in your partner’s face. So, you just circle around each other in subdued moods hoping to get through the day. At the end of the tunnel hope awaits in the form of Fabio and Flavia or Andre and Steffi who went the distance and are now married with kids beyond their tennis life. It seems to be the perfect (attention, horrible word play incoming…) match (ugh).

We will remember Kim and Lleyton and Ajla and Matteo in silent devotion. They didn’t make it and hearts were shattered. Not the ones belonging to the tennis players in question here though. What can I say, I am a romantic at heart.

I used to mostly date outside the tennis world. Still do. It’s not impossible. Just like the “mission impossible” is somehow actually quite possible as long as Tom Cruise can throw himself off a helicopter or a cliff or both. The problem is, the moment you meet somebody you have to leave again and when you come back hoping to pick up from where you left off the special somebody is married or has moved away or forgot your name and lost your phone number, never knew you existed in the first place, and when you look at the calendar, melancholy and sad, regretting moments that never were, you realise you’ve been gone for four months and life doesn’t stop just because you think winning tennis matches will change the course of the world.

There is another thing that especially female tennis players have to deal with who are unlucky enough to be attracted to men (no offence). Men may say they love what you do and that you earn more money and that you’re independent and have fans (in my case: fan, singular). They may well think it interesting. At first. Faced with the reality of living the day-to-day of it, the words quickly turn sour and you can see their faces lemon-twitch when they say them. There is a lot of gender confusion when it comes to dating a female tennis player. Only a man firmly rooted in his masculinity can handle a more successful and more muscular woman by his side.

NOT ALL MEN! I get it. Not all men. It’s not even their fault. It’s sociology.

Men date down, women date up. Think about it, the pilot marries the stewardess, the doctor the nurse, the CEO his secretary. The more successful you become as a woman, the smaller the pool of potential dating partners is. And as a tennis player that pool consists mostly of other tennis players.

Blaming others for your own shortcomings is so tennis from me. So, let me be honest here, we’re quite a handful ourselves. I mentioned the traveling and the self-absorption. You pay a team to cater to all your needs and every whim. They make your sports drinks and bring you food, massage you and stretch you, get you towels and ice and tell you that you’re the greatest. They are paid for it. That’s okay. But what’s not okay is to treat your partner like an employee. I’m not saying I did that but I’m not not saying I did that (sometimes - I was young!). It took growing up and learning, being ghosted and being forgotten to eventually right the ship.

jesse - mission impossible made possible

Let’s say a female tennis player has found love, a man who says words he actually means, and they want to have a family. Having a baby means halting your career for at least a year - maybe never coming back from it. There are more moms on tour now who show that it’s possible but still, you never know. No matter how you look at it, the female tennis player’s love life affects her game in more ways than just mood.

Sometimes in horrible, unfathomable ways. Who follows tennis might have heard that Aryna Sabalenka’s ex-partner died a few days ago. It’s a tragedy for his family and friends and for Aryna and the hearts of the tennis community go out to them. We may be egotistical for most parts but we gather around our peers in times of need. As it stands now, Aryna will try to compete in the Miami Open. Everyone handles grief differently. Some want to halt it all, make the world stop, because theirs has stopped. Others want to continue as usual, trying to convince themselves that life goes on. Because, sadly, it does. Routines and rituals can give structure and order to a world that has lost its structure and order and all sense with it.

I know I started this text in a cloak of negativity but I want to end it on a positive note. People are wrong. There is love in tennis. And sometimes, it affects our game. Just as it does everybody else’s.

I never liked that some tennis players claim a sort of singularity in the world where their feelings are that much more important than everybody else’s. Your love life (or lack thereof) might affect your work just as my love life (or lack thereof) might affect mine. The only difference is that in a bipolar tennis system where the only two things that count are victory and defeat the results of it get blasted into the world by the end of each day. So, I plea for understanding when a performance is not up to par. Because we never know what might be lying underneath it all.

Things that make me happy:

Working with the legend Chanda Rubin by my side in Miami this week has been an absolute blast. Work felt like play and she’s the reason for it. I know she’s married but date me, Chanda! Also, this pinkish makeup look.

date me, chanda!

as ever: one year late to the pink trend

Things that make me unhappy:

The terrible news about Aryna Sabalenka’s ex-partner have really shook the tennis world and me with it. I have had to play big matches with private worries on my mind but they were mostly that: private. Aryna having to deal with the grief and everyone knowing about it is unfathomable to me. It partly inspired this text just to remind everyone (myself included who sits in a booth and calls tennis matches for a living): it’s not always known what is going on behind the scenes. In this case it is and my heart breaks for Aryna and Konstantin’s family and friends.

I try to keep my newsletters light and fun for the most part but this has been on my and the tennis community’s mind.

I still remain hopeful that you will have a peaceful weekend filled with love (the real kind, not the zero pointers in tennis) and Banoffee pie.

Yours truly, Andrea