The art of losing

We fail? But screw your heart to the sticking place, and we'll not fail.

There are many things I miss about being a tennis player but there is one thing that I certainly don’t: losing. Losing tennis matches was the root of my perdition. I would not only lose a tennis match but my entire self-esteem and confidence with it, I would question myself as a person and as a woman. A bit melodramatic, I’ll admit, but that was how I coped or better put not coped. With the years, losing a tennis match never became easier but the amount of time it took to get over it decreased. Overcoming it would later take about a day and half rather than 3 days and nights; the same amount of days and nights Hemingway’s old man Santiago took to kill a marlin.

It would take junk food and drawn curtains, it would take a shitty hotel room with a shitty mattress on a shitty bed, sometimes it would take angry walks in a park or a forest, and exclusively always it took a big, fat portion of self-pity to get over a loss. All these things are necessary to move forward. They might not sound necessary but trust me they are. In my mind, it’s a process of micro grief that you have to push through to come out on the other side where you’re ready to improve, become better and hopefully never lose again (good luck with that).

moments before he almost never lost again (probably)

Losing or failing at something feels like a curious amalgam of regret, anger, impotence and disappointment. You regret the choices you made, you feel angry at yourself for not having done better (this comes mostly with positive self-talk like “you’re dumb and worthless, worst tennis player to ever exist, you don’t deserve happiness, I hope you rot”) but underneath all the energetic anger and dynamic regret secretly lies sadness stemming from a deep disappointment in yourself and your abilities. We prefer to focus on the anger because no matter how negative an energy it is, it still is an energy. It still feels like we’re moving. We’re not moving ahead though we’re moving in circles. Sadness on the other side…might just be the opposite of energy.

Sadness and disappointment and helplessness are tightly linked. It’s almost as if one informs the other and accentuates it. We’re often sad about things we can’t change. And instead of yelling this impotence out into the world we turn it inward and against ourselves. In that regard, anger and sadness are first cousins.

Every tennis player carries with them a loss so painful it haunts them forever. Mine came early on in my career and it almost feels like everything I achieved after it was triggered by it. It formed how I would compete from thereon after.

lost the point, the match and all my dignity

When I was 19 years old I played Svetlana Kuznetsova in the second round of the French Open. She was the defending champion that year, had struggled in the first round a bit but was slowly finding form. We played on court 1, a court that doesn’t exist anymore. It had the nickname bullfighting arena because of its round shape. I was up 6:4 5:4 40:0. You can probably guess what happened next. I choked and lost the match. Svetlana was smart and experienced, she could sense that I was getting nervous and she just started making a lot of balls, not much on it, only a bit of spin and depth, causing me to freak out. I got tentative, I got scared, I panicked. After the match, I walked back to the hotel, my match clothes still on, wandering through the streets of Paris and when I reached my room I found myself in bed. I got up 4 days later.

After that, I promised myself I would never become tentative in important moments ever again. And I never did. I made other mistakes, sometimes rushing the rallies, sometimes risking too much, often times taking too little margins. But I never became tentative in important moments ever again. This decision gave me back control. I would rather die in glory with flashing lights than push the ball over the net, scared of my own shadow, and win the match.

losing is hard, losing with a wig on is harder

I don’t like clichés. I know this piece should end in something along the lines of: I didn’t lose, I gained experience. Or: Every cloud has a silver lining. My favourite: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I just don’t like clichés. I don’t like them because you’ve heard them being repeated so often that the words have lost all meaning.

What I can say from experience is - losing, failing, coming short - whichever way you want to phrase it will confront you with the person you aspire to be. Not who you are. Because remember, in that match against Sveta I was a coward. But I glimpsed the person I one day wanted to be. Brave, decisive, sometimes dumb. Mission accomplished.

Things that make me happy:

I got so excited when I read that Elena Rybakina decided to appoint Goran Ivanisevic as her new coach. I love everything about this partnership. The possible serve bot era we are about to enter on the women’s tour, Goran’s eyes widening in the player’s box when he sees how Elena is able to play when she’s on one. I can’t wait for Wimbledon where past and present will collide. I don’t think I ever uttered the words “I can’t wait for Wimbledon” in my life. Grass is for cows, not for tennis. You can quote me on that.

grass is for cows, trophies are for champions

Things that make unhappy:

The tennis has been great but unfortunately the attendance hasn’t at the WTA Finals in Riyadh. It got better yesterday (Thursday) and Coco really seems to have struck a nerve with fans there but it’s just sad to see so many empty seats while fantastic tennis is being played. There are plenty of stories of new tennis locations struggling in the beginning, needing a few years before they become a fixture on the calendar. Let’s hope this is the case here too.

I know this week has been hard for plenty of people and many of my friends. It might have felt like losing. If it makes you feel better, the German government is currently in the process of falling apart. Don’t tell this to anybody but sometimes when I lost a tennis match I checked whether players I respected lost too. And when they did I felt better. Hey, I never said I was a good person, I just said I’m trying. I will see you all next week!

Yours truly, Andrea