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An incomplete list of players who gave me nightmares
Hello, fellow travellers and tennis lovers, it’s a strange week where, I’ve been told, planets are in retrograde but mainly it’s strange, because it’s too long ago to still be talking about Indian Wells and Miami hasn’t quite gotten fully underway yet. So, I decided to talk about the most important person in my life: Me.
In the spirit of Mirra Andreeva we (yes, the royal we) want to thank ourselves. Actually, that’s not exactly true. I got the idea for this week’s newsletter when Chanda Rubin asked me who the players were that made me the most uncomfortable on court. Here is a list of players that regularly gave me nervous breakdowns when I saw their name in my draw bracket. Some of them are well-known, others less so. The metric I used was the following: How much despair did I feel in the pit of my stomach when I found out I had to play them the next day?
Here it is, an incomplete list of players that made me want to cry (on the inside).
Agnieszka Radwanska
One of my most frustrating days on tour was the day when Agnieszka Radwanska retired from professional tennis. Not that I particularly liked playing her. In fact, I hated, despised, loathed playing her. But my ego couldn’t handle the fact that she retired before I had the chance to get at least one (1!) win against her. You read that correctly, dear sirs and madams, I have in total zero (0!) wins against Aga Radwanska. It was a combination of many factors that made it difficult for me. Aga was a classic counter puncher. She used her opponent’s pace to redirect the ball at will. I played quick and flat but I wasn’t a Naomi Osaka or even a Karolina Pliskova who would have a few free points on serve or could just smack a forehand to end the point. I needed to build the point and Aga wanted me to build the point to then, just when I thought I had managed, outmaneuver me in mysterious, frustrating ways. God works in mysterious ways? Try Aga Radwanska!
She had that nasty forehand down-the-line that stayed so low and flat and somehow short (?) that I would always have to lift up through the middle for a percentage play only to find out Aga was at the net closing all room I thought I had. And those slices disguised as drop shots? Unacceptable behaviour! We miss her dearly. I’m not going to lie I miss her more now that I have retired too.
Monica Niculescu
Once upon a time there were two skinny teenagers with great dreams and hefty ambitions, swinging racquets and gathering points, hunters and gatherers on the junior’s tennis tour, slowly growing into their bodies and into the people they would once become and one would always beat the other in this long forgotten rivalry and the other was me. I shed more tears over my losses against Moni in junior tournaments than I did over the movie Free Willy. The thing was, by the end of a match against Monica Niculescu you barely knew what a tennis racquet even was. You were unsure whether you were hitting balls with your strings or the frame or the grip. For those who don’t know her (how dare you!), she exclusively played forehand slices. If she did decide to hit her forehand it was double handed and you had no idea what was happening. But it was not only the forehand slice. She was an immensely talented player who did everything she could to mess with your technique and I’m not afraid to admit that it worked. I got my revenge once we were older and I was taller and stronger and didn’t have a complete meltdown every time she hit a slice. But the panic reared its ugly head until the very end of my tennis player’s days whenever I saw Moni Niculescu near me in the draw. Some things fade, some things are forgotten but Monica Niculescu remains forever.
Serena Williams
Even though this seems to be a very obvious choice I wanted to include Serena in this list because a) I had never beaten her (of course) and b) I always felt like her tennis was misunderstood. People assumed the reason she became the female GOAT was because she was more powerful than others. I’m here to tell you: You are wrong. Serena was one of the smartest tennis players I have ever played. She controlled the geometry of a tennis court like a deranged genius mathematician. When you played her, you felt like the sides of the tennis court were unfairly distributed in size. Her side seemed to be smaller than mine! And she took the smaller side with her whenever we changed ends! Somebody, please, bring me some measuring tape!
In reality, it wasn’t the court. She saw spaces we didn’t see. The tennis square opened up to her in ways your boyfriend could never. She used a well-placed angle before she crushed you with power. Did you really think that all it takes to win 23 major titles is to be strong? No. Tennis is much more complex than that. Take Serena’s serve. She would start the match serving slice wide on the deuce side 70% of the time because she knew we were all taking a step back behind the baseline expecting a big serve. Just when you decide to close the gap, to stand a bit closer to the baseline, she’d hit a body serve so violently you’d want to hide behind the wall forever. We were Serena’s pawns that she positioned as she saw fit. Serena’s superpower was telepathy. She sensed the decisions we were about to make before they plopped up as coherent thoughts in our minds. I feel bad for her daughters. When they hit puberty those mind reading techniques Serena possesses will make their rebellious phase a bumpy road. For me, one of her opponents and great fans, it was never a bumpy road. It was just a good old fashioned dead end.
Camila Giorgi
I usually liked to play ball bashers because I knew I could outlast them. I moved well and could focus for an inhumanly long time (my superpower) before they gave everyone Ritalin and this combination would bring ball bashers to their knees. Camila Giorgi, however, was different. Even the biggest ball basher in the world still has to adhere to the laws of physics but not so Camila. She could hit down-the-line winners from impossible defensive positions and never bat an eyelash. The difference with Camila was that she was quick. Usually, ball bashers are ball bashers because they don’t move well and they need to avoid being pushed to the side at all costs. But Camila was nimble and explosive. She defied - I am so sorry for this but I have to do it - gravity (cue Cynthia Erivo). She was my personal Indian Wells where two realities collide and my subconscious couldn’t handle it. In Indian Wells it’s quick balls and slow courts and with Camila it’s a ball basher who moves well. I need clear instructions! I cannot work with ambiguity! I beat her a few times but she beat me worse. Oh well. Water under the bridge.
Things that make me happy
I’m just a girl who blushes and likes blushes and I found a great one from Saie in the colour Ciao. It’s a burned orange and it makes me look like I’m too shy to say hello when I see you so I merely whisper Ciao. Don’t be fooled by me and my shy girl’s blush. There’s a cobra waiting to pounce underneath it.
Things that make happy II
Yesterday’s match between Joao Fonseca and Learner Tien was a glimpse into a future rivalry between two differing styles of play and it was an absolute joy to watch. The fans and the atmosphere were electric and I was so impressed with both players but particularly with Learner Tien. He handled himself so well in an arena of Fonseca-chants. Both Joao and Learner seem so classy and adult that some adults could learn from these teenagers how to behave with honour and strength. Yes, I did watch Gladiator 2 on the airplane.
This is it for this week! I will be sliding into your inboxes soon again like I used to slide into cute boys’ DMs. I’m sending you all sweaty greetings from Miami. May the sun make me blush like Ciao does.
Yours truly, Andrea
“The tennis square opened up to her in ways your boyfriend could never” 👏👏👏
Can't wait for the list of people you just couldn't wait to play...